New Year Resolutions for YOU, LONDON

I have a list of New Years’ resolutions for Londoners developed over the last week of Christmassy hell:

1. stand on the fucking right

2. walk on the fucking left

3. do not look up/down/left/righ/backwards/at your iPhone when walking FORWARDS

4. Stop kicking the back of my heels. I’ve checked and they definitely don’t have a bullseye target painted on them.

5. Weirdo people that seemingly have no nerve endings, PLEASE stop doing that weird thing in a queue where you’re technically stood ‘behind’ me but actually it’s more like you’re IN me. I don’t like feeling your boobs/beer belly/cameltoe/cock pushing against me. And fat people, this is mainly about you.

6. No more shuffling/meandering/stumbling as if you’d just emerged from the sanctuary of the womb and have NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THE FUCK you are in my way for.

7. Stop running like a spastic on acid to get into the tube as the doors shut. You always get stuck and there’s another train in 1 minute.

8. Please do not obstruct the lift doors please do not obstruct the lift doors please do not obstruct the lift doors. Those words, they accompany that dull feeling of metal bumping repeatedly against you whilst you dream of a totally zomg fucking amazing Covent Garden ‘performer’ who stood still but GOOD near you earlier.

9. Stop asking me if I’ve ‘got twenty peee’

10. When in a queue and you’re at the front be aware that YOU are FUCKING NEXT instead of staring at the toes of your Clarks shoes and wondering what that annoyingly repetitive ‘next please’ drone is in the background of your ‘life’

11. Complaining about the transport system is all sort of repetitive and boring so shall we stop being all surprised when something doesn’t work?!

12. Try to no longer forget you fall over if not holding anything when the tube moves out of the station

13. Brixton is the final southbound stop. You need to leave the train dudes. Where did you think you were headed?

14. When you’re saying goodbye to someone, in the street, don’t back away from them and into me, especially if you’re then going to turn around at pace and lunge into me and act as if it is my fault.

So, yeah. I’m a grumpy cunt at the moment.

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