I super hated Inception

Inception is rubbishI had a bad feeling about Inception. Like when pressing play on any Shyamalan DVD since The Village. People were raving about it like they raved about Avatar and that was just Pocahontas/Fern Gully rehashed in blue.

Having watched the trailers for Inception I can confirm that they contain the only pieces of action worth watching in the entire film. The movie contains more point-blank bullet misses than a Z-Corp extra makes in a Bond Movie, and of course the protagonists were all one-shot-one-kill masters. Even the fat apothecary whose sole purpose, as I recall, was to give the others some potent Night Nurse and drive a van extremely badly.

It did absolutely nothing of note regarding the mind. It just seemed like it offered Nolan the perfect chance to do a ‘head fuck’ movie that will win some more Oscars because nobody dares say ‘that was a bit shit, am i right you guys?!’. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind humiliates this film with its cogent, humorous and heartfelt finger-prodding at the brain sack. Inception, instead of being clever or containing Kirsten Dunst in knickers, threw some utterly bollocks pop-science at the canvas and looked at what stuck. Incidentally, nothing stuck. Juno’s role is completely redundant. She’s a ‘dream architect’ but honestly it means nothing except for the bit in the trailers where she bends the horizon. Leo is troubled by something very obvious and doesn’t let anyone know about it until it’s too late and causes excessive dreamy-time peril (yawn) and I can barely remember what all of the other people were for but Pete Postlethwaite is unwell in it which made me sad and Michael Caine has a cameo which made me happy because it reminded me of Children of Men for 10 seconds.

The plot holes are numerous and obvious and all forms of explanation as to WHAT THE FUCK is going on are pushed out of the way frequently to make room for more bad guys shooting appallingly. At one point the team ‘miss a kick’ which was supposedly of utmost importance but it’s all OK, it turns out there’s another kick, when the ‘bumper hits the rail’ or something. Oh, and it does that thing where you show the end at the beginning and then show it again at the end with a nice ‘ahhh that’s the reveal’ moment, except it was so obvious from the offset that it removed all sense of concern for the characters from the rest of the movie. I don’t even think it was meant to be a secret, which is just plain silly.

Leo is old

Hi, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio and I grow old much faster than you

When the premise is that you can go inside people’s dreams to get secret info that’s fine. That’s quite good. That’s quite Eternal Sunshine. When you flesh out the premise to ‘OK so, how about…wait for it you guys, you’re gonna frickin love this idea! How about…yeah…ready?…A FRICKIN DREAM WITHIN A FRICKIN DREAM YOU GUYS!’ then you think, yeah, that’s boring bollocks but OK. I bet they won’t do a dream within a dream within a dream. Oh, what? They do but it’s for some reason SUPER DANGEROUS! Great.

I’ll mention very briefly – don’t worry about anyone, they’re all generally a bit evil anyway. The whole raison d’etre for the protagonists is to destroy a guy’s brain so that he splits up his dead father’s company so that it doesn’t become the world’s biggest energy conglomeration and his rival does instead. Woo, go team! Do it for the broken up conglomerate of energy companies before it’s too late!

Basically, in its elements Inception is a quite bad action film with all of the desire but not much of the style of The Matrix, and a thinking man’s film only in so much as it would get the blondest of Essex girls scratching their shimmering heads in confusion.

Perhaps tomorrow I’ll do a blog within this blog to make it seem more awesome and then the next day I’ll go ‘OH SNAP YOU GUYS IT’S ACTUALLY A BLOG WITHIN A BLOG WITHIN A BLOG’ and then I’ll end it on a cliffhanger that makes you go ‘woooooo, but WHAT IF IT’S ACTUALLY A BLOG WITHIN A BLOG WITHIN A BLOG WITHIN A BLOG… WITHIN A FRICKIN NOTHER BLOG YOU GUYS!’

Inception, you are not worthy of my Ultra-rare Space High Five, even if I had one to give you.

***AND THEN I WOKE UP AND REALISED IT WAS ALL A DREAM!***
That would be the only way the film could have ended well for me.

Here’s an edit of the semi-interesting parts of the film, conveniently called The Official Trailer.

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